Tales from the past

Early Christmas Wishes

I’ll allow myself to wish for something this Christmas even if it’s silly to hope for these things the way I do.
I have 3 wishes:
1. I want my mom to feel better and enjoy the holidays like she did before her condition got worse;
2. I want my sweetheart to be have a warm home of her own and be truly happy, like she was during Christmas when she was little;
3. I want to have a real Christmas tree and celebrate the holiday for real for a change. A few years ago we didn’t even put up the plastic tree because we went through some hard times.

I found this super awesome picture too:
reindeer-and-christmas-tree
So badass! (I am laughing at myself right now.)

Heavy

Her first smile that I recall takes me back to when I was about 4 or 5. She was the youngest version of herself that I remember. She taught me how to tie my shoes, read and write, how to respect my fellow man and how to appreciate what I have. She kept a clean, cozy home and made sure I had enough to be as happy as the life we had would allow. It’s strange when I recall how well she could hide her sickness from me back then. Naive youthfulness is bliss. I knew she was in pain at times, but she mostly masked it gracefully. When, from time to time, she would suffer from one of her seizures, I would place tea and cookies next to her bed and until she could move and speak again I would wait. Funny how I managed to partially block that all out, because I can barely remember it straight. She is a darling being, most compassionate and giving. I am truly lucky to have her.

Nearly two decades have passed and cures have yet to be found for her constant agonizing pain. I am not sure why nobody managed to find out what is wrong with her. As a med student I find myself even more helpless. I cannot give my mother the cure she needs, neither can my father that loves her more than himself. I have watched her suffering for too long and I am exhausted. I feel extremely selfish some days for being fed up with the constant idea of her continuous struggle. I only wish her to be joyful and young as she once was and most of all – healthy. I feel like she missed out on this life she was given and to see her fading away slowly is an ever growing burden that weighs heavily on my forehead making me feel like an eternal slumber awaits my future days. Sometimes I lock myself away in my own world. Other times I just accept life as it is.
Heavy is the burden of loving something that death can touch. Heavier is the burden of loving someone touched by merciless sickness. Much too heavy.

A light shade of green

It was 7:30 in the morning. I was riding the bus about a year and a half ago and I was very tired. Most of the people on the bus looked upset or uncomfortable because being crammed in a tight space with strangers will do that to most. Then something caught my eye. Right across from me two very beautiful people were going about their day. They both had light blonde hair, their faces looked scorched by the summer sun and they looked at each other constantly. The first one looked like a tiny version of the other, but the way they acted was the thing that truly caught my attention. The little one was about five or six years old and was smiling constantly at the other one. They didn’t say much to each other, but the older one, who was about thirty-five caressed and kissed the tiny one constantly, receiving hugs and kisses in return. Seeing them interact was a blissful. They both had old tattered clothes one. They were old clothes, a little dirty even, but it didn’t matter. To me those two human beings were at that moment richer than all of the other people on the bus put together. The people around started noticing those two and started smiling a little bit, some of them even started to cry a little. A mother and her little girl managed to show us all on the bus that day that you cannot put a price on happiness. I wanted to bring them home. I wanted to make sure that little girl would get a chance to become someone, but I could not do that. I just didn’t have the means to offer them a better life, but they gave me a reason to smile that day. A reason to appreciate all the love I’ve been given by my own mother and father even more. I got off the bus and even though I cannot remember their faces clearly, I will never forget the priceless love in their bright green eyes.

Broken b’homes

snoopy-

About a fortnight ago my father and I went to a local construction supply depot to buy this and that for our house. When we arrived I saw some dog houses for sale outside of the depot. They look really well-made and were extremely colorful. They reminded me of Snoopy’s dog house and gave me a little bit of nostalgia. A few seconds later I saw this limping dog getting closer to the houses. He (because the dog was male and I don’t like calling animals “it”) looked anxious and it took a peek inside each one of the houses. He wanted to go inside one or two of them, but the employees in the parking lot gave him a cold stare and he limped away to lay down somewhere else.
It’s funny how this got to me. We’ve all faced the challenges of finding a place to call our own. It is not easy. When we find a place we’d like to live, more often than not, we get cold stares of rejection from those around us or from the emptiness of our pockets(or bank accounts), the problems being mostly financial ones. A house is just a house. It takes people and memories to make it feel like home. After all, we’re all just a bunch of wounded animals in search for a place to call “home”.

22

My 22nd on the 22nd was the best 22nd of April a 22 year old could ask for. I hardly remember a birthday so far that has made me this happy. In the past I was mostly alone on days like this and even when I was surrounded by others, I felt lonely. I never expected gifts meant to blow me away due to extravagance or expense. I merely wanted something meaningful, something personal and from the heart.
It was a simple, kid’s happiness this year. It was about having the one that really mattered by my side as I’ve always wanted. She came like some kind of ninja and surprised me at about 2 p.m that day with her gorgeous smile and arms filled with goodies. She’s a strong one, that’s for sure! I was so happy to see her that I didn’t care anymore about the presents. I just hugged her again and again as a child would hug someone they’ve missed since a life time ago. I was blushing like crazy(I’m blushing now too). Her mum baked a cake for me. It was a huge surprise, because this never happened before. It tasted really yummy and my folks devoured it, making me laugh. She brought my mom flowers and this made me glad to have such a wonderful girl in my arms.
She then opened a box where my presents were. I guess I would have been more happy to see her showing me the gifts if I wasn’t already maxed out on happiness. I probably looked like a truck full of unicorn farts ran me over, because it was hard for me to take it all in without pausing over and over to look at her smiling face.
Today I am the proud owner of a T-shirt with a very funny print of Nikola Tesla refusing to conform to the bullshit of society. Haha!
She also painted a little Harry Potter on a mug. It’s so neat! I would take it with me when we go out to drink from it, but I guess that would be a little too much.
I guess I can say that these gifts are so close to my heart now, that I’ll be forever thankful.
Mom wanted to thank her, but she couldn’t. This was the only downside of that otherwise super awesome day.
We went out after, ate and did a little shopping and then we head to the park. It was a sunny day. It felt as summer was already here. We had fun in the park. Lots of fun! The next day we even went out on the lake on a hydrobike.

I am not sure how life should be lived, but I know for sure that I want more days like this one.

Thank you, D.

Scars

I am a map. I have a few destinations marked on myself.

I have one on my forehead from when I slipped and fell when I was five. I remember that I bled so much that my white shirt turned red.
I have one on my forehead yet again from when some boys in my flat building threw rocks at me just for fun. I was about 7. My skull is still deformed from it.
Another one from when I fell off my bike when I was 13 or 14. It’s on my right knee and it took forever to heal. It feels numb to the touch now.
One on my left wrist from when I put out a cigarette to prove a point to someone I once cared for. It’s always there to remind me of how stupid I am for caring too much.
The last one I can think of is in the palm of my left hand from when I stabbed myself by accident. The pain was bizarre, numb and sharp at the same time. You can barely spot it now.

All those are just wounds of the flesh though and not so severe to be worth making a big fuss over them.

Other destinations, much more relevant to what I have become, are those marked not through wounds of the body, but through wounds of the intellectual and emotional nature. Harm caused by fellow humans. I’ve had my share of disappointment and heartache, but in the end it was all for the best. My only regret is not being able to help my mother in all the years of her continuous torment. It’s also hurtful that I’ve been mostly lonely though never alone throughout my life.

I’ve met someone this January. I’ve opened myself up to her because she is honest, gentle, passionate, understanding, bright and beautiful in more ways than she will ever admit. When she is near I feel like home, like I belong, something that I never thought I would find again after being constantly let down by others. She makes me smile even in the rainiest days and makes me feel loved. I miss her often if not always. When I am with her my passions burn bright. I dream of seeing the world with her. I love her eyes and their fire. We’ve planned to do a lot together; small things that have always been out of reach before. She works so hard and is ever so dear to me. I remember how she would smile when spring came; it made me so happy seeing her filled with joy when she would see the flowers in bloom. She’s not perfect, as she tends to remind me often, but none of us are. She’s mine and the closest thing to the sweetheart I’ve always yearned for(if not a dream come true). She let her past cause me some heartache and I was surprised to see how much it affected me even though I’ve known her for so little time. This was ultimate proof of how special she really is to me. I rarely shed tears for people, but then again she is not like most people. She might even be the devil herself, because she’s too wonderful to be true some times. She’s got her flaws and fears and failures, but I’m always happy to stand by her side and hold her through the hardship. She accepts me the way I am, even though I can be a huge pain in the ass some times. I always want to get to know her better, because I find her uniquely interesting. I hope that she will never change and she hopes that I’ll stay the same as well. Up to this point in time she’s always been there for me and I know that I am truly lucky-Jackpot!

There have been times when I really wished I’d known her a long time ago.
I wish I could have been there when she felt abandoned.
I wish I could have been there when she felt left out.
I wish I could have been there when she was scared.
I wish I could have been there when she needed an extra buck for a pair of earrings she wanted, but couldn’t afford.
I wish I could have been there when her mom fell ill.
I wish I could have been there when others let her down or broke her heart.
I wish I could have been there when she needed someone the most.

These are the scars I wish you didn’t have to bear alone.

If you’re reading this, I miss you still, cuz I’m a crazy fuck like always.

 

Becoming everything

This is a song of sacrifice that only a few understand. If you’ve been there, you have my respect. Here’s to all of you who loved selflessly.
To my mind it goes like this:

You fall for someone – you can take all kinds of bullshit by their side.
You imagine how it would be if that someone treated you like you deserved – you can take the pain by their side.
Wanting more, you lie to yourself making everything bearable – you can handle it as long as they’re near.
The disappointment grows more and more until you become unwell and unnatural – yet you endure, hanging on to your lover.

Time passes by…

You are aware of your flaws and many weaknesses.
Your lover takes the anger others cause on you for no reason.
You are left speechless.
You feel that you’re losing the one you care for.
This person grew on you, helped you grow somehow.
This someone never sees the loneliness built inside of you.

You hang on and do all you can to fight for your love.
You hurt.
You don’t know who you are anymore.
You’ve become a part of your lover.
You’re nothing.
The only one fighting for this love is you.
You’ve lost everything.

Fight for each other. That’s everything.

Plug in, baby!

the_music_trees_by_malignant_librarian-d312nb6

Some times I forget how great of a refuge music is. After I press “play” it all comes back.

When I was little boy I was not able to truly appreciate music. I found the sound delightful, but the meaning wasn’t profound enough. Certain things can only be savored with the passing of time. What I can honestly say about myself is that I am highly pretentious when it comes to the people I surround myself with and the music I choose to listen to. People come and go though and are rarely as honest as music, therefore the latter is something I hold close to my heart. I find no greater gift than the gift that is music.

Remember that time you were free, that time you were happy, that time you were in love, that time you were broken, that time you were miserable, that time you felt caged? The songs and lyrics that you’ve found comfort in are a constant reminder of what you’ve experienced. Indeed they may unearth pain, but they also bring back to life happiness. In joy and sorrow music has the unique ability to amplify and revitalize all that which your soul is made up of. It is a teacher, a healer and a punisher.

I remember the first time I sampled the right sound; it felt like the world stopped for a few seconds and everything finally made sense. Now, just like then, I listen to the vibes that put me on the right path when I feel hopelessly lost and just for a second, time stops and I am reborn with a new fire in my heart.

If you want to find something truly holy do not bow your heads down to religion and the many gods man worships. Listen to the songs that those whom are in love sing to each other. Open your minds and your hearts and listen to them whisper.

This is what I feel when I “press” play:

“The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
Forever and ever”