Personal

Déjà vu

Spring time came and spring time went,

Flowers bloomed and branches bent.

It was back in the 90′ when they met,

It was a simple time, not easy to forget.

She was twenty, he was twenty and a bit,

Youth so pure holding so much promise,

Their love grew, by mutual passion lit,

They’d become one when they’d kiss.

She fell ill, he stood at her side bravely,

They were growing old much too soon,

Their future seemed to grow dark sadly;

Hardly being brightened by sun or moon;

She got worse, but he was always near,

The meds she was given put her to sleep,

The pain would be the thing she’d fear.

Their tests were hard, but their bond deep.

In time she felt better, but bearing a child

Could mean death as she’d been weakened

Then and forever, but their passion was wild,

So they took a chance, as love beckoned.

Not long passed and they had a baby boy,

For the first time in ages they felt true joy,

She defied the odds and it gave her power,

But sadly, days passed, along came the hour

When she fell ill again, but loved she was

Doctors failed repeatedly to find the cause

Time passed and she slowly withered away

Years passed and she hurts even this day.

Her husband is dying on the inside to see

Her this ill once again and it is agony to be,

So helpless when your wife is suffering so,

Worse than she did almost a life time ago.

Too many opinions from kings of medicine,

Too many empty pills meant to dry up tears.

Have I been a good son, who have I been?

Can I be brave forever, face all of my fears?

What of my father and the hurt that he holds?

Mother’s pain has lasted my whole life through,

For me it’s all I’ve known and yet it still unfolds,

For him it’s a nightmare, a tormenting déjà vu.

I’ll hold them both tightly until things get better,

Hope is all I have and hope is what I will give

Them no matter the tears or stormy weather;

Love and hope spread and joy you’ll receive.

Boo hoo

Luxury could mean a ski trip in the Alps, a new sports car or dining at an exclusive restaurant by the seaside with a great view of the sunset, but it could also mean a good night’s sleep, mornings where you are not woken up at the crack of dawn by the inconsiderate behavior of others and peace of mind.
Give someone everything one could ask for, except the ability to rest properly and it’ll all be for nothing.
When people ask what’s the matter, you just tell them you’re busy, because they’re too ignorant to care that they completely fuck up your entire day by keeping you awake and explaining it again and again just causes more disgust.

Press any key to get your fix

This friend of mine has this problem. Ok, it’s me! You got me. I am a “game junkie”.

Since I was 13(I’m 22 now) I’ve been into video games and I’ve played my share of most genres. I remember fondly when, in high school, my friends and I would all go online and play for hours on end. My parents were great growing up, but having to take care of an older family member that had a severe drinking problem, plus some other issues really used to get me down. The solution to this difficult situation was none other than hanging around the internet, playing solo or with others for a lot of time. A lot of time. It helped me forget the bullshit. It was simple. Things are simple when you don’t realize that you’re wasting too much time and one day you find yourself playing games so much it’s all you do. That was high school though.
Before I got into med school my father’s uncle (the older family member I mentioned) passed away due to a stroke. Without him around things were easier. Taking care of someone with an addiction for alcohol is harder than one might think. I felt more relaxed and I cut down on my gaming because I didn’t need to escape from reality that much.
Sadly, the past months have gotten me back on this slippery slope that is gaming addiction. My mom’s sickness got worse. An undiagnosed condition that causes her extremely painful pulsating migraines almost 24/7. She’s seen so many doctors, you’d think it’d be better by now. Not being able to do much in this situation and seeing constant suffering has made me get back into my old habits. Escaping just for 5 minutes is great, but 5 minutes is never enough. I’ve tried limiting my play time and failed. I’ve tried quitting several times and failed every time. Now I’m trying again by putting it all down in writing to try and see the bigger picture. Playing too much makes me feel guilty because I don’t get enough work done properly. I want to become a doctor worthy of taking care of his patients. A well informed and empathetic doctor that can offer hope and treat as many people as possible and maybe, just maybe, find new means of treating certain medical conditions through research.

I often have trouble sleeping and become numb from exhaustion. This makes me want to escape as I used to. I get support from those close to me, but ultimately it is a test of will and I’ve never been the strong willed type. It does feel good though; the moment you quit for a while. I makes me feel free, but afterward I imprison myself.

I need to focus on the positives as hard as it might be sometimes. Maybe the sun will shine my way some day soon. Util then I need to make a change. And I should start by breaking the habit.

Dendenland Part I

I feel that tomorrow should be as a second Christmas and even though it is going to be an eventful, busy, busy day I hope that everything will go smoothly and end well. On the 12th of January last year I met face-to-face a lovely young woman that changed both my life and myself for the better. I find myself extremely shy in expressing my gratitude for the moment being, therefore I am sharing this small token of my appreciation:

Early Christmas Wishes

I’ll allow myself to wish for something this Christmas even if it’s silly to hope for these things the way I do.
I have 3 wishes:
1. I want my mom to feel better and enjoy the holidays like she did before her condition got worse;
2. I want my sweetheart to be have a warm home of her own and be truly happy, like she was during Christmas when she was little;
3. I want to have a real Christmas tree and celebrate the holiday for real for a change. A few years ago we didn’t even put up the plastic tree because we went through some hard times.

I found this super awesome picture too:
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So badass! (I am laughing at myself right now.)

An Addams Halloween

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I have rarely been given the opportunity to say that I’ve truly enjoyed a holiday. This year I’ve had the best ever Halloween and it is all thanks to this gorgeous creature next to me. I had no idea that preparing the costumes would be so much fun. I guess that when you get together with the right human being/ghoul/vampire/succubus/demon/elf/hobbit/jedi/sith/wizard/etc. great things can happen and every step of the way feels like heaven(or hell in this case because it’s bloody Halloween).

P.S. We found Wednesday and Pugsley in the pub where we were celebrating this spooky holiday.
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Finding our kids in a bar, drinking and inhaling smoke. I’ve never been so proud!

From the back seat of the bus, with love

I was heading home by bus after my general surgery lecture today and I saw a bunch of colleagues going home also and I wanted to say bye or something like that, but at the same time I kinda wanted to be a little asshole and express something mean while I was passing by them. Mimicking “fuck you” so they could lip read seemed pretty funny at the time in my head, but then I remembered that I can’t do that because we’re not close enough for that to be ok. And even if you’re close to people you study/work with it still gets awkward because they take shit too seriously and assume that you’re mentally challenged in circumstances like this, which is only half the truth. Then I remembered that I always do funny(stupid) stuff when my sweetheart leaves by bus when she is in a hurry. Come to think of it I do the same kind of things when I leave by bus and wave goodbye to her. So it hit me and it seemed so funny at the moment. If I had been passing by her at the time by coincidence and I would have caught her attention, I would have been all like:
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..flipping the bird like a maniac and at first she would have been stupefied and would have gone: “What the fuck? Jesus, man!”, but I would have kept at it and would have laughed like the dumbass that I am and then she’d laugh too and flip the bird back at me and show me her teeth and growl a little.

We’re two sick fucks.

K9 Heaven

I found you sleeping when I came home,
In your little house made for a gnome.
I found you lying colder than ever before,
In your motionless loneliness evermore.

I held you in one hand a life time ago,
You were a tiny chestnut ready to go
And see the world and roam so free,
Where are you now, what do you see?

I buried you under the pouring rain,
Hoping it will wash away all the pain.
I feel drained of life and so ashamed,
To have left your body forever maimed,

Eaten by all kinds of disease and agony,
The days were too short and not so many.
I hope you are somewhere nice and warm
And that you will never, ever know harm.

All things pass and only memories remain,
I will learn from this and I truly hope to gain,
A little bit a wisdom so I cand get over this,
Nice knowing you and take care, little miss.

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